Friday, April 29


I don't really have "favorite animals", but I do have favorite varieties of most animals. :) Currently I LOVE the Tervuren Belgian Shepherds. I'd like to have one when I get older--if I can be in a position have have him trained. I love the dark muzzle and intelligent eyes. Beautiful dogs... anyone else have a preference? A "dream dog" so to speak?

Tuesday, April 26

Making Lists

You know those "resolutions" you make on such an instant-by-instant basis? I seem to make a billion a day... I may resolve to use my hands and my ears more than my eyes. I may resolve to eat healthier (this is a recurring theme) or to wake up earlier or to exercise more. I'll resolve to be positive, to stop thinking endlessly about the future and to focus on the present. I resolve to be happier, to smile more, to focus on the good in others and recognize my own faults and what I can do to fix them. Yet within the next minute these resolutions have been tucked away and I've moved on to consider something different. Where do these go? Do they multiply? If I say to myself: "I'm going to get up and lift weights tomorrow" what, 50 times a day, does that multiply and increase the livelihood? Doesn't seem to. How do we get ourselves to DO things? What's the difference between resolutions we actually complete and those we resolve... and discard?

Beginning a new term, I'm FULL of these resolutions. I'm going to get good grades. I'm going to increase my memorization abilities. I'm going to learn the names of people I interact with and teach my mind to recall them. I'm going to eat less junk and learn to cook more variety. I'm going to exercise, I'm going to work more, save more, spend less, study for an hour a day and prepare for my mission. But which of these am I actually going to *do*? I just make lists and lists and never really get anything fully done. Is this a matter of good, better, and best? But how can you prioritize when so many of the items you want to improve are merely habits and standards that you just need to... do? I'd need to scribble in pen all over my arm or tie strings of all colors and types around my fingers to remember to incorporate these things.

And, like every other frustration I seem to face, it goes back to patience. I need to be patient with myself.

Today I had my first floral design class. The professor, a "Norah Hunter", is probably the most entertaining woman I've had the pleasure to learn from in a long time. She was tangent-ing off about how people in Utah seem to celebrate EVERYTHING in a relationship... their first kiss, their first date, etc etc. And the couple will go out to dinner or do whatever to celebrate these "anniversaries". And then, after a few years when they've been married, then the wife can still go out and... get herself something. ;) Sister Hunter confided rather jokingly (she's quite boisterous) that life is all about lowering your expectations (in this case, expecting your spouse to get you gifts for your first kiss anniversary is NOT lowering your expectations).
"About most things. (Not the gospel. Definitely not the gospel)" she corrects herself automatically. "But don't expect too much. Especially of yourself."

I found this advice a bit perplexing. As an individual, my LIFE is about raising expectations. Pushing my own bar a little higher, a little farther, and making myself stretch just a little more. But, you know, she has a point. What's 'too much?' I think 'too much' may be that point we all seem to push every so often that leaves us dejectedly staring a computer screen and wondering "what on earth have I spent the last week doing? And why do I feel like I've been hit by a car?" Where does all the "guilt and failure" undercurrent come from? Maybe... it's those lists.

So, today, I resolve to stop resolving. I'm going to choose something each morning--maybe learning names or learning a recipe or finishing a book. And I'll see how that goes. I can always up the stakes. ;) Obviously, we can always be trying for better. But I feel like maybe trying to be better could be a general wave of ideas, rather than a bulleted list with a 1 to 5 rating next to it. Perhaps this isn't a new idea to most of you. But it's going to be a struggle for me...

Sunday, April 17


Made in Photoshop; 3 hrs (approx.) I have no life.

Saturday, April 16

Another random end-of-term thought.

Does anyone else wonder whether I'll get into trouble for loving half of my major and hating the other half? I mean, "landscape management" is fun and all, and I love landscaping and all the intricacies of it. But management... I've never had a mind for. Sort of like interpersonal skills and sports. It's just not in my vocabulary. I've now taken a great many courses on management. This morning I have an exam on contract administration. And I am still predisposed to dislike it... even as I (half-ways) major in it and minor in business administration. Sounds fishy to me...

So, tips on reducing personal vanity? Lately it's been a silly frustration of mine...

Wednesday, April 13

Tuesday, April 12

Some End-Of-Semester Rant

I'm psychologically incorrect, I think. I cannot relax.

Well, hmm. Don't get me wrong. I can enjoy a relaxing schedule just like the next person. But sometimes--no matter how free my schedule is--there is a nagging sense in the back of my mind. Something I've forgotten. Something that is frightening me because it feels utterly important and I can't even determine what it is. I literally feel my head ache as I try to just sit and empty my mind. It's always there... waiting for me to figure out what it is and to get it done...

This pressure makes me feel dull, sleepy, and so lazy that I can't get actual tasks done--regardless of their importance. I am procrastinating in every sense of the term, because I feel as though I am putting one of the most important things in my life.

But I can do nothing about it because I don't even know what it is. Guilt may pulse dully through me, and I can't read or do anything I enjoy because something deep down is nagging me to get that... thing done. This may cause havoc even with the things I'm supposed to do. My homework particularly. I begin working on an assignment or studying for a test, and I cannot give all my focus because it doesn't seem like it matters. And, at that instant, it doesn't. If I allow myself to really consider any particular assignment or test, and I easily convince myself that it's pointless.

It's only importance lies in it's necessity to reach another stage of life. Another opportunity to satisfy.

I leap happily at any and every opportunity to keep busy, to introduce good stress into my life, perhaps half-mindedly hoping that when I finish THIS project, I will feel as though I've accomplished something. But it never satisfies. And as soon as it doesn't, I don't want it any more. Each job, each hobby, each book, each project, even my major and my education--I lose interest. These things promise satisfaction. Success. And after I become comfortable, after the project grows less-than-new, I feel done.

Not always. Sometimes I'm very content. Perhaps having such a diverse range of interests is commendable. But sometimes I wonder if it's not just visible evidence of my odd mentality. Who's to say?

Friday, April 8


Two finals down. Four to go. :) We're really getting there... I can scarcely believe it.
Also, due to my lack of self-control I've resolved to read 100 books before I touch video games again. Any suggestions? I'm taking any and all. 100 books is a lot and I only have 17 to read and three of those are the LOTR books. XP

Sorry for this lame post. I don't seem to be thinking about anything lately... I did spend two hours yesterday mapping out my lineage (I can't start something without obsessing over it. I have come to believe that this is a psychological disorder.) And I'm back 7 generations and STILL more than 75% of my ancestors are living in the US. I'm feeling very patriotic. :)

Anyways. Yes. Speaking of crazy random interests and obsessions... I'm starting a "Middle Eastern Dancing" class in a few Wednesdays. Don't judge me too harshly. It's an excellent form of exercise and freakin awesome to boot. I'm not studying to be a stripper. ;)