Thursday, October 24


Just an update.  :)  Since I wrote last time I have figured a few things out.  I am going to try and graduate with Honors, which requires you to write and defend a Thesis based on research of some kind.  I felt hopelessly lost about what to do, but I went in to talk to one of my professors, who jumped enthusiastically and explained that the government was after him to research means to wipe out an invasive species called "Phragmites".

Who'd have thought I'd be into scientific research?
We'll see.  I need to do a literature review and call a student at Utah state who is working on the same idea.  This could be a breakthrough.  :)

Another part of graduating with honors is coming up with a "great question" of some kind to research and write an extensive paper on.  I've been trying to think of great questions.  In light of being at BYU and being into plants... I thought maybe I'd look into why Adam and Eve were placed in the Garden of Eden.  That'd be cool I think.  Or... any ideas?

Thursday, October 17

Quests and Revelations

Note: This is a weird post because I am thinking aloud.  Carry on.

I am on a quest.  I didn't realize this when I left Wisconsin.

I guess I had some vague idea that I had important decisions to make and unknowns I would have to figure out.

That's the part of quests that we always think of.  "______ is going to _____ in order to figure out her ________ and to become ________."

Wooo.  Having been a bookworm, (theoretically still so), I have read of many quests.  I'd like to be that person.  I'd like someone or something to be a catalyst in my life--send me spinning into a journey (metaphorically or physically) on which I come to terms with my particular mission in life and how I am oh so perfectly suited for it.  (It'd be cool if along the way I met my husband.  I feel like the romantic/sexual tension in quests makes them all the more driven.)

This self-discovery can come in many forms.  Currently, for me, it is in the form of a career path.  This is the lesson I want to learn about myself.  This is the quest I want to pursue.  Where in this world can I bring the most value?  Find the most satisfaction?

Maybe it's not the one I'm meant to.  Not right now.

Suddenly I realize the subconscious aspect of quests.  The parts where we realize why or why not we are content.  Why or why not we have embarked on a quest at all.  Why are we trying to change?  Do we analyze these things?  Or do we just follow them?

Why am I in school?
Because society implicated that I needed to go.
I like to learn things.
It's the logical next step.
My religious leaders support the idea.

As I look at my list (list making is a skill I have begun to notice I have an obsession with), I realize that my reasons for coming to college are slim and watery.

Why did I come?!  Why am I still here?!

There is a part of me I try to subdue.  Maybe it is negativity.  It comes out when I am not careful.  When it does, those around me receive abundant levels satire, sarcasm, whining, etc.  But no, this part of me isn't where the world can see it.  I think Sister Johnson (my first Wisconsin companion) saw it.

Hopelessness.  Sunken costs.  I look back and I don't like where I am and I cannot for the life of me see the value in what got me here.

This is my quest.

I need to face the consequences of my decisions.  Of my life thus far.  "Who I Have Become" in all it's glory.

Why am I dissatisfied?  Why is discontent and irritation festering inside of me every time I go to class?

Why have I lost the desire to learn?

I went to a lecture today about medieval literature.  Why?  I dunno.  It took me back to a place I was at in high school.  In the first year or two of college.  Curiosity.  Desire.  Wonder.  Knowledge for the sake of knowledge.

And I realized I'd lost that.  I'd suppressed it.  I'd let myself become lazy and focused on the trivialities of the world.  Work for the sake of money.  Class for the sake of a grade.  School for the sake of career.  Church for the sake of salvation.

I don't fully recognize myself.  But I see myself--or who I thought I was--in others.

I need to remember how.

I need to learn to love who I have become.  To see her for her potential.  Not for who she could have been.


Thursday, October 3


I am going through a midlife crisis.

Mid=middle.  Interpretation=half.

Conclusion=I am halfway through life.

Significant realization=I have 22 years to live.